Beware the power, Hardscrabble’s Ring

It happened once my awareness began to shift toward the eminent end. i was not ready to let go.

and that is funny, because letting-go was the first lesson i learned through yoga.

i had been meticulously pruning my mat since the moment i set it over in Thrifty's corner. removing stray hairs, fuzz balls, and trimming all the fibers that were shedding from the mat.

the mat was as raw as i felt. i gifted it to myself right after Devlin was born. and it has certainly helped to amp the sacredness of the practice...but i still use the filthy, disgusting, no-way-to-ever-restore-its-luster mat several times a week.

as i shifted myself through space to gain a sense of present-form, so did the mat. and the fibers that were no longer serving it moved out.

and i scooped them up all day long eachandeveryone of those 11 days. it was the one thing i could focus on taking care of all day long, beside myself. which was why i was there. but it helped me to take care of that mat too.

and then one afternoon, i began wrapping them around my finger. just a few of them. and i spun them until they embraced each other so tightly that there was no begining and no end. just a ring.

and i've worn the ring every day since. and i'm grateful for it.  i wondered why i was doing it that day. but i didn't spend too much time wondering.

and then yoga teacher training was OVER. abrupt. done. back-to-reality.

there was a week between its end and the Charlotte trip. i had a great deal of studying to do...and elk and antelope to package and packing for 11 days alone with the wee peeps. and i did it. and Charlotte was a fabulous experience. spending time - real-life time, with the people you love the most is important. incredibly important. and it is not as easy with 2 wide-open little humans as it was the first 2 decades of our visits. but worth it. way worth it.

in the 11 days of yoga teacher training, my vritis were CHILL. it was profound pleasure. i could have just kept going and going and going. i was so un-edged when i returned, that i put together 2 IKEA stools one morning while allowing the wee peeps to help. downright C-H-I-L-L.

travelling alone with them though, for 11 days, and my vritis-be-rising! it's like playing whack-a-mole with those effers. so when the going-got-tough, i breathed, and found mula-bandha, and smiled at giva-bandha (since i live there), and waited it out.

tantrums, potty training, and bedtime on-the-road, became my 3 poses.

each day i met it differently. each day i probably must have grown.

it was the mat-ring that sometimes reminded me of that power. the power to change the course. the power to calm the mind, calm the world. the power of patience. of real, raw, honest-to-the-universe patience.

but not just the power...also the commitment. i deserve it. i need it. it helps me be true and real and present. it helps me to practice "being sweet to myself"...even if i did pack an elk out on our 1 day off during teacher training...

i said i wanted to help my classmates over here continue their yoga practice. i said i wanted to commit to my own with more conviction than the past 4 years of child-focused living. i said i had no expectation.

i said it could only help to get me from Canada to Mexico.

i said i choose this as part of my trajectory to 62.

and i look at the ring several times a day. and i recommit. all-the-time.